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Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Desire and Confusion

Can someone please tell me what the hell my problem is and why I have to try and be so different? And while you're at it, why does this whole thing have to be so mired in my own self-imposed drama? Why must I over-intellectualize EVERYTHING? I think I'm just going to change my middle name to Confusion. Geez, it's not like I'm trying to figure out the meaning of life...just how to have a better, more fullfilling relationship with the man that I adore. It really shouldn't be so tough and I really shouldn't be so intimidated by telling him how I feel and what I want. After a lifetime of being bold and walking around calling my self the "f" word (feminist, duh!) now I suddenly spring on my husband that I'm tired of it and that I want him to take control...in the bedroom, at least....for now, at least. Is there such thing as a submissive feminist? I choose to be submissive, therefore...blah, blah, blah. Ha!

And, frankly, I still don't know what the hell I really want. And, if I don't really talk to D about the feeling I'm having then I'll never know what he really wants. He knows I'm going through some changes right now. He knows that I'm extremely horny lately and that I'm very eager to please him and give him pleasure. I'm not so sure he really understands the depth of my desires. Damn, it would be so much easier if he could just read my mind! ;-) Maybe not.

I definitely don't see us moving into a 24/7 deal (although Kaylem and Gabriel make it sound very erotic and appealing), but I do have to wonder ('cause that's what I do) what kind of impact this sort of relationship would have on our children. Anyway, that's a whole different topic for another time.

Tonight will be the first time in days we'll be able to spend a little private time together. I'm not sure what will happen as far as discussing "all this," but I sure hope we make some progress. I feel stalled right now and I'm eager to start moving forward.


posted by Gabby Hey at 12:55 PM 6 comments links to this post

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually laughed out loud at your post tonight, gabby! only a year ago, I was having the same inner dialog/mind fuck going on in my head 24/7. I know it won't help you to feel better now, but I promise that if you continue to read and learn more about D/s, you'll quickly find what you like and what you don't. one thing I can't recommend strongly enough: DO NOT GET HUNG UP ON LABELS. if you're anything like me, you'll try to put yourself into a box and you simply won't fit. just pick and choose what you like and call it whatever you want to.
as far as broaching the subject with your husband... I think I send mine a link to dan's website (http://accordingtodan.blogspot.com/) and asked what he thought. dan's not writing anymore, but the old posts are still there and still wonderful. I recommend "those new dom blues."

geez, I should start my own blog so I don't take up all your comment space!

7:39 PM  
Blogger *J* said...

Oh, boy, have I been there, done that. Heck, I started a blog just so that I could write it all down and figure it out! (Read the archives to learn all about my mistakes - maybe you can avoid them!)

Erica - you should start your own blog - I'm dying to hear your story!

Julia

8:05 PM  
Blogger *J* said...

So, how did the discussion last night go?

8:56 AM  
Blogger Redphi5h said...

Look, Gabby, there's nothing wrong with you, you're not insane, you're just undergoing what's commonly referred to as a 'sexual awakening'. Go with it.

9:06 AM  
Blogger Gabby Hey said...

Your reassurance is really helpful. It's so strange how this feels so unusual, but isn't really. It's amazing to me how many married/committed couples are finding new ways to spice up their relationships.

Julia, when I get some time today I'm going straight to your archives. I started this blog for the same reason...to sort through all the crap swirling around in my head.

And, yes, Erica, you should start a blog because you have a lot of good stuff to share. I am definitely taking your advise to not get caught up in labels to heart.

9:06 AM  
Blogger Kaylem said...

I highly recommend Julia's archives. I read her site start to finish as soon as I found it, and it was SOOO reassuring. I also think erica needs a blog. Come on, erica! All your friends are doin' it! :)

I just want to echo everyone else's advice, and reiterate something I've said before - tell D everything. Even if it's scary/hard to say, tell him. Sometimes, I find it's easier to type things out than say them, and Gabriel and I communicate in IM rather a lot.

The kids issue is an interesting and important one, and I should/will blog about it, soon.

9:51 AM  

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