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Thursday, May 05, 2005
I need my big strong Dom -- NOW!

Ok. So I printed out a post by Dan titled "Got Dem New Dom Blues" and put it somewhere for D to find. Then I changed my mind and forgot to hide it (hmmmmm, Freudian slip, perhaps?) so he picked it up and started reading it. I freaked out and tried to take it from him and told him I wasn't ready for him to see it yet, that I'm crazy and that I don't know what the hell I want. He was very sweet and I let (sure) him read it anyway while I flitted around the house doing chores before the kids came home from grandma and grandpa's house. We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet and I fell asleep with our little girl pretty early, so I still don't know what he thinks. We have houseguests tonight so I'm not sure how much alone time we'll have tonight. Then we're going away with friends for the weekend. The good news is that we'll have a room alone, without children for 2 whole nights...just like grown ups! I hope he brings the red bag of "goodies."

So that's kind of where I am right now. I'm suddenly over-sexed and obsessed with wanting my beloved to throw me over his knee and show me who's boss. I've been married to this man for almost 9 years (together 15) and now I'm so incredibly attracted to his overwhelming maleness and physical strength. At the same time, I'm incredibly conflicted about my new feelings and desires. I've always been a very assertive, commanding woman - I've done well (and poorly) in the business world and worked very hard to be considered an equal at work. Where did all of these feelings come from? Yes, I've always fantasized about being dominated...yes, I've always secretly thrilled at my husband's hand on my neck or when he smacked my ass. But I always hid my excitement behind the excuse of alcohol. Now that I don't drink at all anymore, my feelings are even more intense and I'm forced to be honest with myself and with him.

And, now I'm worried that he won't understand my needs. Although, I have a feeling that he will. I think I know him well enough, but we'll see. Oh my, what's a girl to do?


posted by Gabby Hey at 1:43 PM 6 comments

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

take comfort in the fact that all of us (subs, that is) have been there before. as you learn that your feelings and desires are normal for you and ok, it'll get better.
I had a really hard time getting over the "I'm a freak" pity party, but now, there's no shame at all.
and keep blogging... it's very cathartic : )

2:24 PM  
Blogger Gabby Hey said...

Thanks, erica. Your comment is reassuring. I am feeling freakish, but I'm hoping that eventually I'll embrace it and just go with it. And, you're right, blogging is soooo cathartic!

3:03 PM  
Blogger Freya said...

I've been with MFC for 19 years and I'm here with you. He's a very natural top but there are times when he's afraid to hurt me or afraid of going too far and I am touched and yet frustrated all at once.

I've been the one to initiate most of this whole D/s thing but he's taken to it pretty well I must say. I'm an alpha female except in the bedroom and we've both had to adjust a lot and it's still a work in progress.

He and I are on a journey together and that sounds like what you and D are doing.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Gabriel Montana said...

Hi Gabby - sounds like you're going through a lot of the same stuff we've been exploring. Kaylem and I had a few small speed bumps to get over from my side, mostly centered on *my* uncertainties and fears. It's not real easy in this day and age for a guy to admit "hey, you know, I LIKE being in charge and being the dominant one." Too many decades of social programming that the politically correct types are gonna kick down the bedroom door and subject us to tedious consciousness-raising sessions or something...

Anyhow, just wanted to offer a few words of encouragement. I know for me it really helps that Kaylem lets me know what she's thinking. And then leaves it to me to decide what we do. Which, now that I'm being honest with myself (and, pseudonymously, with the whole world), excites the hell out of me.

8:10 AM  
Blogger Kaylem said...

Gabby,

I'm so glad you and your D are working out a roadmap (or at least a guide of sorts) for your journey together. The only suggestion I have - one that's probably already occurred to you - is to be open to try new things, and don't be hard on yourself if you actually enjoy what you thought you could never. And yes - give D all of yourself - not just your body, but your thoughts, feelings, fears, impressions, wants, hopes - everything. Then let him decide. If you want him to lead, then you have to be willing to follow.

But of course, you already are. :)

And THANK YOU for letting the rest of us read along on your travelog. ;)

10:23 AM  
Blogger Gabby Hey said...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input...it's so reassuring. I think my biggest issue at this stage is engaging my Darling D and getting him to understand what I want and that it's OK for him to want it to. I think he's going to have the hardest time reconciling the "outside world" me with the sexual and personal me. He is definitely a natual Dom. I think I've just trained him out of it for so long. I know it's important to be honest, and I trust him completely...I just don't know how to reveal all these feelings and desires to him. I may just have to sit him down and have him read my blog soon. Thanks again!

2:53 PM  

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