Wednesday, October 12, 2005
When I'm the Buddha or Get a Life
Blogging has been a small part of a much bigger journey for me. As I've mentioned before, I am in recovery (7 months sober) and have undergone a lot of changes in the past couple of years. Because of all of this and more than a healthy dose of therapy, I have a self indulgent tendency to be superficially introspective. Much of what I read in other people's blogs fascinates, titillates, saddens, and sometimes frightens me a little. Regardless, most of it just makes me think. Think, think, think. There's been talk of polyamory (I have so many thoughts on this, but I will hold my tongue), love, discipline, marital problems, family struggle and triumph...all in some kind of sexual or BDSM-related context. All very thought provoking and supremely interesting. The one thing that haunts me is some of the sadness. Frankly, I don't understand the choice of sacrifice, ritual, and submission when it leads to misery and continual self doubt. Perhaps I'm naive to think there should be some joy and love with lust and life, but why would anyone choose to be unhappy?
I've discovered that my goal in life is to find balance. If I can find that elusive balance between mother, lover, worker and self, I'm sure that I'll suddenly transform into the Elightened One and you can start calling me Buddah. Until then, I plan on enjoying the journey by living a life of happiness. (Yes, I know...it's okay, you can call me simple and idealistic.) Seriously, that's my plan, my big picture, my goal. I want to be happy. And I want everyone around me to be happy. I refuse to live a life of fear or misery. I won't live in fear of my addictions and I won't be miserable by the circumstances of my life. I don't think anyone should.
Ask yourself if you're getting what you need...not just what you want, but what you need
to feel fulfilled? I recognize that everyone's needs are different and will be unique to their given life situation and experiences, but don't most people (especially women) need to feel loved and appreciated? I'll admit, I'm a little more needy and high maintenance in this area (exactly why I'll never be a good sub), but is it really so selfish to want happiness and appreciation by our partner(s) (or whatever you call him/her: master, bwana, asshole, husband, dear, big daddy, mistress)? I think not.
But, hey, if drama and misery are your bag, rock on with your miserable self. Otherwise, I strongly suggest you start finding the right life for you.
I know my little rambling rant here will piss someone off and that's cool with me. But, please don't give me some long winded dissertation on the philosophical ideology behind the theory of submission. I'm not a deep thinker, I just pretend to be.
Hugs and kisses!
posted by Gabby Hey at 9:39 AM