gabby surrenders

Sex for your ears

2006-04-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have a serious girl-crush going for Violet Blue of tinynibbles.com: open source sex. Not only is she a sex goddess, she's also smart, sexy, hot, clever, a great writer, hot (did I say that?), and an awesome podcaster. I seriously recommend you check our her website and her podcast. I've been listening to her for awhile now and I'm dying to go and buy some of her written work.

honey dust, vibrators, whips and a little porn

2006-04-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I started going through all these changes...a lot of which had to do with my evolving relationship with my husband. Much has changed and much hasn't. What hasn't changed is how much I love my partner and how devoted I am to the happiness and success of my family. And while our passion for eachother has only grown, there have been periods where our energy and desire to explore has waned. Thankfully, we have come out the other end of a busy life time and are going back into a fuck like rabbits phase.

I can't tell you how badly I've needed his attention and commanding hands on me. Finally, when I didn't think I could stand it any longer, we were given 2 blissful nights alone that seemed to rebalance our relationship properly. There is nothing that a little honey dust, a big pink vibrator, some rope, a rubber whip, a little porn, and a pair of torturous nipple clamps won't fix. Nuttin' honey.

The libby in me...

2006-03-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

Check out her LiveJournal.

Tired of Waiting

2006-03-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

He's tired of waiting. Tired of being patient and allowing me to work out this funk I seem to be in. He gave me my chance and is now going to take matters into his own hands. The mere thought, the phrase, gives me shivers. Maybe that's what I needed all along. Him. The answer is always so simple, but I have a tendency to over complicate it. But D always clears the fog for me. Always.

She is Me

2006-03-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

She

She walked out with empty arms
Machine gun in her hand
She is good and she is bad
No one understands

She walked in in silence
Never spoke a word
She's got a rich daddy
She's her daddy's girl

She loves naked sin
He loves evil sex
She has lost control
They are growing old

She will hide in silence
Then her day will come
She was virgin vixen
She is on the run
She is on the run
She is on the run
-The Misfits

Tomorrow I celebrate 1 year of sobriety. I can finally breath. I'm finally alive. I have have my soul back. If I can stay sober for one day, one month, one year, maybe I can do anything. Maybe you can, too. ;-)

The truth

2006-01-30T10:18:00.000-08:00

Here I am again, begging for forgiveness. I am sorry that I haven't posted much, but I think that I might be doing battle with a little low-grade depression. I'm sure it will pass soon, but it makes it hard to organized my thoughts and blog them. I do have some good post 1/2 done that I promise to finish once my fog clears a little. :-)

Thanks.

Where in the world is Gabby Hey?

2006-01-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

You're a blogger and I'm a flogger! -My Beloved D

I know, I know, I'm boring and neglectful. So spank me! ;-) Honestly, there's been so much going on around here that I just haven't had time to share. I have plenty to share on my 'nilla blog, but it would just put you to sleep here (I'm sure you'd rather not hear about my new love affair with my iPod, how tired I am of flakey cub scouting parents, and how excited I am about Al Gore's new venture, Current.TV). Thankfully, I'm still madly in love with my husband (although there's been a disturbing lack of raunchy sex in our household), I'm still sober (say what you want about AA, if I'm working towards 11 mos without a drink, it's a fucking miracle), and my children are still freakishly smart and insanely energetic.

I'll catch up witcha when I have a little down time...I really do have a couple of juicey stories to impart. For instance, why do you think my husband insisted on a bench seat in his new truck? Hmmmm.....

Meme: better late than never...

2006-01-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by erica:

"Here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says 'You are tagged!' (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. The following may not be weird to you but they are to somebody."

Hmmm. Me, weird? I don't think so. ;-)

1. I love Hello Kitty. I know. Some feminist I am, huh? Sexually submissive, Hello Kitty! What's next, collecting Barbies? Uh, I do that, too. Just the nice collectible ones...not like McDonald's cashier Barbie or anything.

2. I have happy feet. My toes are always moving. My kids have the same affliction. It drives D crazy.

3. I read several books at the same time. I usually have a novel, a recovery/spiritual book, a design or craft book and a work-related book going concurrently.

4. Somehow I've turned into a goody two shoes: I don't drink, don't smoke, and don't eat meat. ("Don't drink, don't smoke what do you do?")

5. I hate scary movies. I won't watch them. Go figure.

I pick Lady C, ez, mija, Hardy, and Temptation.

What (I think) I know for sure.

2005-12-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling superficially introspective today. This whole blogging-about-my-sex-life thing has been quite a journey. Actually, I guess it's been an interesting part of my journey, which has been much bigger than an online journal kept under a false name (now don't be disappointed, my name isn't really Gabby Hey).

Although my mantra is balance, balance, balance, almost everything that I do screams overdo and overwhelm (it's the addict in me, I'm sure). One minute I strongly believe "A" is the right way to do something, and then I realize that "B" may be a good option too. I think the longer I'm sober and the farther along the path of recovery I am, I realize that my hard and fast rules no longer exist. Honesty and integrity have started to take the place of self righteousness and ego.

Basically, what I know for sure is that nothing is set in stone. That love can seem dead and grow again from almost nothing. That love knows no boundaries and can be found in unusual and unexpected places. That the most joy and reward often comes from the most difficult journey and hardship. That there are miracles and signs everywhere if we choose to open our eyes and see them and open our ears and hear them. That every day I share with the people I love is a gift to be appreciated and cherised.

Merry Christmas, Season's Greetings and Happy Holidays!

Blogging in cognito

2005-12-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

In my real life I read a lot of straight blogs on topics ranging from general business, marketing, web technologies, design to other boring crap that most people could care less about. I did come across an interesting post on Jason Kottke's blog about blogging anonymously and why we do it. Actually, the post is more about Secret Sites. Regardless, the post and related comments started me thinking about the whole anonymous, yet intimate, culture of blogging. And the almost predictable lifecycle of a blogger. It's all very interesting, don't you think?

Tra La La La La La La La La La

2005-12-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

Dear friends,

No, I've not gone away...I just have a nasty cold. That, paired with Christmas duties and all my other responsibilities, has me running around like a maniac trying to keep things in order and stay sane (and sober!). I hope everyone is having a joyous and peaceful season, savoring all those wonderful moments that make this time of year special (my chest is swelled with pride when I see my children belting out their lovely songs on stage and smiling with glee - yes, glee is still a word).

Peace.

Reconnecting

2005-11-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes what you think you want least is what you need most. His hands. His voice. Demanding me now. Sorry, no. No time. Too busy. Not in the mood. Yes, now. Now. Take your clothes off and lay on the bed.

Sometimes I just need him. I know he watches me like a hawk. Sadly, he watched his wife spiral down into a pit for over 2 years and doesn't want me falling back in. I won't. I know that, but he doesn't. So, he watches. Ready to give me that hand or strong shoulder when I need it. He seems to know now before I do when I'm floundering or overwhelmed. His demand this morning was less of wanting to dominate or fuck me, and more of helping to recenter and reconnect with me.

His hands on my breasts, pinching the nipples, sucking on the pink titanium barbells that mark his ownership of me and my love for him. His hand on the back of my neck (my god, I get chills just thinking about it), guiding and caressing. His other hand firmly on my ass, pulling my wetness up to meet his gloriously hard cock. Slow and determined. Loving and commanding.

And, finally, explosion. For a moment we are the same entity. We share everything. It's all there: the life, the pain, the joy, the years all flow into this one moment.

It's hard to seperate and go about the normalcy of the day after sharing such an intense exchange, but we do. Somehow, I'm better now. Reconnected.

Meme from Lady C.

2005-11-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

1. Were you named after anyone?
My grandpa

2. When did you last cry?
the other night while watching "Intervention" on A&E

3. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Does tunafish count? I only eat seafood

4. What is your most embarrassing CD?
Don't think I have one

5. Where is your second home?
Lake Powell

6. Do you trust others too easily?
Nope

7. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Rock collector kit

8. Would you bungee jump?
Not a chance in hell

9. Do you think that you are strong?
Yes

10. What are your favorite colors?
pale pink and celery green

11. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
way too emotional

12. Who do you miss most?
my grandpa who died almost 2 years ago and my best friend who moved to the other side of the country last year.

13. What was the last thing you ate?
shrimp louie salad

14. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
raspberry red

15. What is the weather like right now?
clear, bright blue sky, but cold.

16. Last person you talked to on the phone?
my husband

17. Do you wear contacts?
Not anymore

18. Last Movie You Watched?
Surviving Christmas

19. Favorite Day of the Year?
I love Christmas

20. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation?
Disney Cruise

21. Favorite Smells?
hazelnut, vanilla, my husband's cologne, a good cigar, fresh rain

22. What’s the furthest you’ve been away from home?
Not sure...Toronto, maybe?

Something's broken

2005-11-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

I have so many random unconnected thoughts pinging around in my head lately, I've had a hard time stringing them together into coherent ideas. I feel as if I might be going through some sort of transformation. Of what kind, I'm not sure. I have this vague, but persisent feeling that I'm struggling with something, but I haven't come face to face with it yet. It's almost like a mild, fuzzy hangover...which, of course, it can't be since I'm coming up on 8 months of sobriety this week. It's an "I want more" feeling drumming in my mind, but not an unsatisfied or unhappy feeling. Actually, I'm feeling very happy and content in my little world right now, so it's hard to put my finger on.

Very strange. I was even contemplating giving up on my blog, because this restlessness has been preventing me from focusing on any single topic or idea for longer than a nanosecond. But I don't think that's the answer. And when I'm honest with myself and write what I'm really feeling, I find it incredibly therapeutic. Maybe that's what it is. I think I've been stunted lately. I think I've been allowing my virtual community to dictate a standard of behavior and list of rules to me that have prevented me from speaking with my true voice. The irony of it is that no one has done such a thing at all...I think it's been me all along. Hasn't it?

Well, anyway, whatever it is, I'm going to figure it out and fix it.

Sex Food for Thought

2005-11-01T15:36:00.000-08:00

So my Darling D has a new theory about his silly wife. He thinks that if I weren't such a blatant, unequivolcal monogamist that, if given the opportunity, I would have sex with a woman. It's an interesting thought, really. I, like a lot of women, have had my share of "girl crushes," but they've always been based more on an intellectual or creative basis, than sexual. Until recently, the whole girl-on-girl thing wasn't a big turn on for me, anyway. Until recently.

Hmmmm....interesting observation on his part, anyway.

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air...Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love halloween. I always have. I used to love to dress up every year. I think I've passed that playfulness on to my children. Our area has a lot going on during this time of year so we've already been to a playplace party, party and "trunk or treat." My little Dorothy (how does a 2 year old become obsessed with the Wizard of Oz?) was a little intimidated and preferred the safety of grandma and grandpa, but my Harry Potter is of the perfect, magical age of 8 when halloween is solely for him and his buddies. He's old enough to run around in the safety of his community under the watchful eyes of his parents and neighbors, without having to constantly stay in check and hold mom's hand. I'm still having a little trouble with this because I'm extremely over-protective and have difficulty letting go. How did he get so big and smart? He's 4'8" now! Anyway, I digress...as usual.

This year has been especially heart-warming for me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, this is our second halloween here and this year we actually know people in our community, which makes the events more enjoyable for us and the kids. Secondly, I'm sober and mindful of the blessings around me. Last year, I was at the depths of my addiction and self loathing. I found it hard to focus on anything other than my own insecurities and unhappiness. Don't get me wrong, we had a delightful halloween last year, but it's so much more...full...to be able to live in the moment and enjoy the pleasure of my family. Of course, I may take that back after my kids get so jacked up on candy they don't sleep for 3 days, but that's then, not now.

Whatever form your family takes, I wish you all a Merry, Merry Halloween! Have fun and enjoy life!

A Rich Life

2005-10-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

My husband is a big fucker. I mean, he's really tall and just...big. I've always been attracted to tall men. Since the first day I met him as a freshman in high school, I was drawn to him. Not until we were lab partners as seniors did I start to think of him in more salacious ways. It took another three years after graduation before I ran into him again (yes, in a bar) before we starting dating and decided to act out some of those desires. Another six years and a break up before we realized we were meant to be together and finally got married...almost ten years ago.

In that time, life has been full of fun, saddness, miscarriage, children, fortunes made, fortunes lost, love, addiction, joy, death...all the normal stuff that life can be full of. Sometimes we've pulled away frome eachother, maybe to catch our breath or to gain perspective. In the end, we're always there together, holding hands and tackling things side by side. Partners. For life. Forever.

Thank you, my Darling Husband, for helping me find myself and letting me be who I am meant to be. Thank you for your firm hand and gentle touch. Thank you for helping me figure out what is important and guiding me back to the light. I forgive you for not doing the dishes all the time because you love me and continue to believe in me. I look forward to growing old with you.

Who's Driving this Train?

2005-10-24T13:00:00.001-07:00

He pulled me close this morning as the children ran around us preparing for school. He ever so gently pulled my ponytail back so I was looking into his eyes, and he leaned over and whispered quietly into my ear that I was due for a spanking. He smiled slyly and sent me about my day with a swat on the ass.

OMG, is that a riding crop in the closet? I have so been a bad girl. A very bad girl.

When I'm the Buddha or Get a Life

2005-10-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Blogging has been a small part of a much bigger journey for me. As I've mentioned before, I am in recovery (7 months sober) and have undergone a lot of changes in the past couple of years. Because of all of this and more than a healthy dose of therapy, I have a self indulgent tendency to be superficially introspective. Much of what I read in other people's blogs fascinates, titillates, saddens, and sometimes frightens me a little. Regardless, most of it just makes me think. Think, think, think. There's been talk of polyamory (I have so many thoughts on this, but I will hold my tongue), love, discipline, marital problems, family struggle and triumph...all in some kind of sexual or BDSM-related context. All very thought provoking and supremely interesting. The one thing that haunts me is some of the sadness. Frankly, I don't understand the choice of sacrifice, ritual, and submission when it leads to misery and continual self doubt. Perhaps I'm naive to think there should be some joy and love with lust and life, but why would anyone choose to be unhappy?

I've discovered that my goal in life is to find balance. If I can find that elusive balance between mother, lover, worker and self, I'm sure that I'll suddenly transform into the Elightened One and you can start calling me Buddah. Until then, I plan on enjoying the journey by living a life of happiness. (Yes, I know...it's okay, you can call me simple and idealistic.) Seriously, that's my plan, my big picture, my goal. I want to be happy. And I want everyone around me to be happy. I refuse to live a life of fear or misery. I won't live in fear of my addictions and I won't be miserable by the circumstances of my life. I don't think anyone should.

Ask yourself if you're getting what you need...not just what you want, but what you need to feel fulfilled? I recognize that everyone's needs are different and will be unique to their given life situation and experiences, but don't most people (especially women) need to feel loved and appreciated? I'll admit, I'm a little more needy and high maintenance in this area (exactly why I'll never be a good sub), but is it really so selfish to want happiness and appreciation by our partner(s) (or whatever you call him/her: master, bwana, asshole, husband, dear, big daddy, mistress)? I think not.

But, hey, if drama and misery are your bag, rock on with your miserable self. Otherwise, I strongly suggest you start finding the right life for you.

I know my little rambling rant here will piss someone off and that's cool with me. But, please don't give me some long winded dissertation on the philosophical ideology behind the theory of submission. I'm not a deep thinker, I just pretend to be.

Hugs and kisses!

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

2005-10-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

Something has changed. Something is different. After a brief lull in our sexual frenzy, he's picked up the pace and then some. He's adoring and affectionate and demanding and rough. And oh so confident in his sexual domination over me. Pinches and teasing here and there. Serious smacks on the ass while dressing. Insisting on lacey panties and matching bras under clothing. Admiring the new pink titanium barbells in my nipples before hungrily biting them. I feel like he's working up to something. I know he is.

We'll be alone tonight. No children. I'm nervous and excited. How ever did I get so lucky?

Nooner

2005-10-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

My hunky husband has been over-occupied (I'm pretty sure that's not a word, but it fits) with work for the last couple of weeks and the kids have pretty much dominated the household with school and activities. So, needless to say, it's been pretty boring sex-wise in our home. Until Sunday, when I decided to sit down atthe laptop and do a little work in between laundry and cleaning the kitchen. I decided to take a little peak at Lauren Dane's new e-book, Second Chances. I sat down and read that whole book in one sitting. It was smart and fun and delicious, and just a little sad. I loved it. And, frankly, it made me really, really horny for some good sex...not just those little quickies caught in the morning while the kids are still asleep.

Yesterday morning I called D at work to let him know that I was wearing my silky pink g-string panties and my lacey pink bra. For motivation. Being the wicked man he is he turned the tables on me a little while later by calling and torturing me verbally with descriptions of what he was going to do to my body when he got home. Wonderful things that included nibbling on my clit piercing through my panties and spanking my ass until it glowed red. I was in a tizzy. I knew my cunt was sloppy wet. I was almost grateful when he told me we could meet at home for lunch.

The things that my man can do to my body with his hands and mouth are amazing. [[giggle]] I'm getting wet just thinking about him. Part of my recovery is not to dwell on my past, but it makes me a little sad when I think about the time I wasted not enjoying his love and his passion. Oh well, anyway, back to the now where life is good. Every touch from tender to firm to deliciously painful leaves no question as to his feelings for me. The glint in his eye as he tells me to roll over is devilish, but always loving and protective. I revel in the touching and tugging, but I also enjoy those sweet moments when our eyes meet. There is so much comfort and pleasure in knowing a man for so long and having been through so much life as a team. Knowing he's the only person in the world that really knows and still loves me despite my imperfections. As I ride his cock which fits me so perfectly, I know that I will always love him and that I will always be his. As I feel his hand let go of mine and slowly caress the back of my neck and the grab my hair I go over the edge. The climax hits me so strongly I almost lose my balance. OMG. On and on. When it finally subsides I'm exhausted and filled with that wonderful, soft contented feeling.

I love nooners. I love my husband

Link Whore

2005-09-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

Since several bloggers have recently posted their "Link Policy" for their blogs, I've decided to post mine. This is it (are you ready?): uh, I don't have one. Basically, I'm a blogrolling whore. If I read something I like or am intrigued by (even in a bad way), then I link to it. I try to clean up my links every once in awhile, but frankly I don't think much about it.

There you go.

BTW, I've just started catching up on some of my blogs and I realized I missed a whole little drama in blogdumb. Bummer. I don't judge anyone (well, I try not to anyway) and I have fallen in love with a lot of wonderful people via their blogs, but I think I'm missing the boat on the whole lifestyle thing. In any lifestyle, the goal is happiness and the key is balance. If it don't work, change it. But, whatever. You guys are starting to fuck with my sobriety! Nah. Just kidding. It just seems so much easier when it's just about the kink, ya know. What does Hustler say? "Relax, it's just sex."

I think I'm gonna go find my hunky husband and beg for a spanking...

Super Mom/Kinky Love Vixen

2005-09-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

Holy Moly! Has it been that long since I've posted? Eek! Well, dear kinky friends, I have not relapsed, nor have I fallen off the edge of the planet. And I definitely haven't given up exploring my passion for my Darling D. I've just been trying slowly (ha! sure.) to blend back into real life. I've sort of thrown myself back into work and shifted gears back to (da da ta da!) Super Mom mode. See, I can bring home the bacon (the veggie bacon, that is) and fry it up in a pan (as long as D does the dishes afterwards). ;-) Living out in the friggin' boonies and carting kids around to gymnastics, jujitsu, tumbling, swimming and chess can be a little time consuming (I have to give thanks for Joss Stone, the Black Eyed Peas, and Green Day). I won't even mention that it cost me $65 to fill the damn minivan. But, I do have some really juicy little tales of lust to share with you so stay tuned. I promise I won't be gone again.

All that being said, I have really felt blessed, humbled and saddened by the aftermath of the recent hurricanes. My silly little sex life sometimes seems so small and unimportant in the face of such hardship. So, for anyone out there trying to rebuild their lives, my prayers are with you.

Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

My heart hurts today. Please do whatever you possibly can to help the victims of Katrina. I've donated what I can for now.

Network for Good

Charity Roundup

The Red Cross

Thanks and be well!

I got my mojo workin'

2005-08-31T17:07:00.000-07:00

I just want to say "thank you" to Mother Nature for turning off the heater and starting the countdown for Fall. Guess what elusive characteristic of mine came back into play! Just guess. Yeppers, baby! My mojo! My libido! My sexual revolution is back in swing! Bring on the kink! Wooo Frigging Hoo! There's been a few nights of good loving and stolen play here and there for the past few nights. Deee-lish!

When I'm done catching up on my pent up sexual frustration, I might share a naughty tid bit or two. ;-) Until then, Happy Humping!

Fisting Funny!

2005-08-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

From the Overheard in New York Blog:

Guy on cell: You can't fist someone for that long. They turn into a handpuppet after 5 minutes. --47th & 5th

I laughed so hard that my coffee almost came out my nose. Lovely.

Ode to D

2005-08-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

I love the way he smells - Tommy Bahama cologne with just a hint of a fine cigar (I know, I'm weird).

I love the way he lets the kids climb all over him on the floor.

I love how he really knows me, and still loves me anyway.

I love how his long arms can completely envelope me in a hug.

I love how he touches my body and makes me feel beautiful and sexy.

I love how he still surprises me.

I love the little wrinkles that are starting to show up around his eyes.

I love how he intuitively knows what I want and what I need.

I love how he still trusts me.

I love how supportive he's been through my addiction and recovery.

I love it when he does the dishes.

I love how he knows when I'm blue and need a kiss...or a hard smack on the ass. :-)

I love his raw sexuality.

I love his body.

I love his mouth on me.

I love his hands on me.

I love how his kisses still give me goosebumps.

I love how he pretends to listen when I go off on one of my monologues.

I love how proud he is of me.

I love the way he dresses.

I love how he makes me laugh.

I love to see him cuddle with our children.

I love how he believes in me.

I love how he allows himself to grow and change.

I love the way he fucks me.

I love my Darling D more today than ever.

Can you say 2fer?

2005-08-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

You know how Fred Flinstone yells "yabba dabba do" when he's excited? I felt like that after my 2nd orgasim (am I spelling that right? it looks funny to me.) of the night on Monday night. Holy shit. You know, I've never had 2 orgasims in one "session." Ever. I've always envied woman who were gifted with multiple orgasims. It rules.

D also surprised me with a new toy (the man loves sex toys!). My new little gem is a little purple butterfly bullet vibe...and, ladies, she's fucking glorious. Yum.

Okay, it's been awhile since I've been feeling the kink, if you know what I mean. I think I've been mostly doubting my sexual surrender and wondering what the hell I'm after. My introspection and low libido is beginning to reverse itself as the heat starts to decline. So, when I have a chance, I'll jot down the details of our naughty romp the other night.

Idio-what!???

2005-08-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I'm boring. It's still hot and I'm still bitchy. D's afraid that my sexual revolution is over and he lost. Not true, I keep telling him, but I think he's losing hope. Silly man, if he read my blog he'd realize that all he has to do is demand my attention. Anyway, I've been asked to reveal my idiosyncrasies (I'm too hot and lazy to spell check today). I'm sure my sexual preferences don't count as odd in this little group so I guess I'll leave those out. I wish more than anything that I had some of annissa's idiosyncrasies like her dish washing and bed making "issues." Alas, I do not and that brings me to number one:

1. I'm a slob at heart. I fight it on a daily basis, and I wish I was a neat freak, but I would much rather curl up with a good book or play with my kids than clean the bathroom. Call me kooky.

2. I hate when people put periods (.) and commas (,) outside of a quotation. Example: "Suck my cock", he said. It should be "Suck my cock," he said. I know. I'm a freak.

3. I sleep with one leg outside of the covers, even if it's 10 below.

4. I can't watch scary movies. I'm a chicken and I have bad nightmares.

5. I have an almost obsessive dislike for peas.

Ta da!

Hot, baby, hot!

2005-08-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends, I have not gone away. I'm just really, really hot. And not in a good way. It's hot here, which makes me cranky and not want to have sex or even think about sex. The heat also makes me mean and not feel submissive. So there you have it. I'm a pissy, sexless, mean bitch. But, hey, I'm sober still, right?

Submission - Part 1

2005-07-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

Here I go again. Thinking. For some people, thinking is a healthy, productive activity. For me and my poisoned mind, it's not such a good thing! So, uh, be forewarned: contradictions ahead.

Some recent posts on other blogs have started me thinking about what being submissive means to me. What this new dynamic has meant to my overall relationship. When J said her love for her husband was more important than D/s, I definitely agree. I love my husband, madly. It hasn't always been that way...there have been many bumps in the road for us. But I have finally come to a place where I like myself enough to let him be himself. He bugs me sometimes (I mean, he IS a man!), but I love him completely. If he wasn't interested in oncall BJs and butt-sex, ;-) well, then so be it. Seriously, if he was uncomfortable with the path our relationship, especially sexually, is taking, I would not pursue it. I would find other ways to express myself. It's just that simple. But, see, not only is it fun for us both, but he sees that it's fullfilling some ignored need of mine. He knows that I was missing something for a long time, and he really, really wants me to be happy. I love that about him.

For me, this whole thing isn't just about domination. It's not about spanking. It's not even about sex. For me, it's about the connection, the trust, the honesty, and the adventure of love. It's about being comfortable (can you say "finally") in our roles and our relationship. I am a strong, independent woman. I'm a feminist (ohhhh, the "f" word). For me, that means I get to decide what I want. I have choices. And this man that I've known since I was 14 and knows me better than any other human is what I choose. And he chooses me. And, hopefully, we'll fuck like kinky rabbits until our parts don't work anymore.

I just know that if and when D reads this he will laugh. Not a mean, hurtful laugh, but a sweet, "god, I know you so well" laugh. The kind of loving laugh that will be followed by a smack on my ass and comment about thinking too much.

Top Five Toys

2005-07-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

Temptation started a new blog tag. For some reason, I really enjoy these things so I'm happy to answer her question of what 5 items in our collection of toys would we keep if we had to give up everything else. We have a lot of sex toys, but I'm not sure how "kinky" they are. Anyhow, here's my list.

Five Toys I Would Keep:

1. Definitely the purple jelly vibrator. #1 far and away.

2. Leather flogger. It's so soft and supple. It's yummy and evil in one package.

3. D's new remote control bullet vibrator. Don't tell him, but I love it!

4. Honey dust. It's not really a toy, but it plays a big part in almost all of our sexual activity. D loves to rub it on me...and I love him to lick it off of me.

5. New cuffs and bed ties. They're just starting to show up in our play.

Please note that the VBP did not make it on to the list.

Obviously, no one is obligated to answer, but I tag erica, Kaylem, and J (whom I miss and hope to hear from soon)! :-)

Jacking Off Cuts Cancer Risk

2005-07-21T15:26:00.008-07:00

BBC NEWS: Masturbation 'cuts cancer risk'

Well, there you have it. Not only does it not cause blindness, but it actually cuts a man's risk for cancer. Looks like D was right all along. I'll be damned. Carry on, gentlemen. :-)

Teaser: Tied Up!

2005-07-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! I hope everyone is doing well and staying cool. Summer has finally arrived in the Pacific Northwest and is now making up for lost time. As much as I love my Darling D and rolling around naked with him, I'm not one for the heat. In fact, I hate it. Passionately. So, needless to say, our sexual activity has lulled a bit as of late.

We did, however, have a wickedly wonderful time last Friday that started out with a wonderful dinner of stuffed halibut, followed by Angelina Jolie's lastest flick (god, could that woman be any more beautiful...sensuality just oozes from her). On the way home I slide across the truck's bench seat and showed my love just how much I adore his cock in my mouth. There are definite benefits to living rurally and not having a lot of oncoming traffic. :-)

Imagine my surprise when we passed by D's new favorite clearing in the woods and made straight for home. Just what did my big devil have in mind for the night? Well, lucky me, I was cuffed and tied up for the first time. Oh my. What a dirty girl, I am.

Enneagram Type 2: the helper

2005-07-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

Although I recently had a counselor that said I was a 8, I've taken two different test that said I was a 2...whatever:

free enneagram test

Come Hither, by Gloria Brame

2005-07-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I picked up Dr. Gloria Brame's book, "Come Hither." I had heard Dr. Brame's name here in there in BDSM literature and on the Internet, but this is the first book of hers I've read. I absolutely love this book. Dr. Brame is clever, funny, smart, sexy and real. I'm only about half way through the book, but I highly recommend you pick it up if you're just starting to explore this part of your sexuality...or if you know someone else that is.

I know we're all different and that there isn't one version of the truth for any of us, but I find this book entertaining, informative and helpful. I think some of you might also.

Happy, happy. Joy, joy.

2005-07-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm happy. Just plain happy. I think my family has been through so much trauma this last year or so that it's nice just to sit back and breathe. Obviously, there are areas of my life that need work, but I've finally gotten to that place that I lost so long ago. It's so rewarding to know that all the changes over the last six months have had a positive affect on my husband and children. I knew that I needed to make some changes, but I was afraid that I was being selfish. But if I didn't work on myself, I knew that I would die. It's so strange that my spiritual bankruptcy would bring me here to this person that I'm becoming: a better lover, a better wife and a better mother.

Because our baby girl was with my MIL, last night D and I were able to make love in our own bed. Afterwards, he held me all night long and even gently rubbed my back when he thought I was sleeping. Right now...right this second, I have no internal struggles about my sexuality or my sobriety. Right now, I'm at peace.

Nature Girl!

2005-07-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

After dinner last Thursday, D and I started the long drive home. We discussed normal married couple things (how was your day, what did the kids do today, did you make the car payment, when does Boy start soccer). In fact, it was a very nice, noneventful dinner, followed by what started out as a very normal drive home. About 5 miles from the house, D unexpectantly turned down a road that I see every day, but have never been down. Since we live in a national forest, there are a lot of these undiscovered roads to and from town. I, of course, asked where we were going and was promptly told "why don't you just be quiet and enjoy the ride" (followed by an evil grin). Uh, ok. Being quiet is not really a very strong characteristic of mine, but I fought my urges and kept my mouth shut.

After about 5 or 6 miles we turned right onto a dirt road and drove through a fairly remote area, and turned one last time into a lovely clearing in the woods that opened up to the beautiful evening sky (it doesn't get dark here until at least 9 or later). D turned our gas-sucking truck around and backed into a little "corner" of the clearing. He quietly got out, opened the back and layed out a blanket. He put his arms around me and gave me the sweetest kiss, followed by a slap on my rump and an order to take my clothes off. And, strangely enough, I did. Right there in the middle of the forest, I got naked. Me! I could tell he was proud of me, but already knew that the new me would comply. How exciting, how unexpected! I was thrilled beyond belief...not only by the erotic feel of it all (we've had many outdoor adventures at our annual trek to Lake Powell), but by the sheer fact that my husband really understood what I needed, what I craved. I'm getting wet again just writing about it!

When he pushed me down to my knees to take his cock in my mouth, I couldn't show him enough how much I loved him and how much I wanted to please him. I was overwhelmed by my desire to please and the need to be submissive to him. By the time he bent me over and entered me from behind I was so wet I thought my juices would start running down the inside of my thigh. When he started smacking my ass with his hand I could feel the sting for the first time. Up until now, his spanking had been to test my endurance and desire. We were obviously beyond that stage now. He pulled the clip out of my hair and grabbed a handful. When I came, I think I cried out D's name. I had the most powerful orgasm I think I've ever had. I wasn't fully aware when he pulled out of my still throbbing cunt and came in my mouth and on my mouth.

I had to smile when he told me later he'd had the plan to take me out there for weeks, but just hadn't had the opportunity. I think I was still in a daze when we drove up to the house and greeted the sitter and children.

I really love my husband.

A Whole New Level

2005-07-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

I'm still here, really I am. I just have been so busy with work and a new venture that I haven't had time for anything blogworthy this week. Until today.

I think I've grown past the need to label this "thing" I'm going through. I don't think it's necessary to dub it D/s or BDSM or sexual reawakening or whatever. It is what it is. But it's funny...the minute I start thinking that D and I aren't really this or that and we're really just a kinky couple rediscovering eachother, something happens to prove me wrong. Like the other morning when I was ordered out of the shower and on my knees to service my love. Simple. No preparation, no big to-do, simple submission. Lovely.

D doesn't read my blog often and he definitely doesn't read other blogs so his perception of my changes are obviously different. Because I'm really dedicated to not topping from the bottom, I've tried to not parrot back to him the things that I read or to compare us to other couples. So sometimes I'm not really sure if we're on the same page, or even reading the same book. When he made an unexpected turn into an unfamiliar part of our moutain area on the way home from dinner last night, I did not know what to think!

I'll elaborate further later, but let's just say that last night was wonderful in so many ways, but most importantly, D gets me. He seems to really understand what I want and what I need and is willing to give it to me. He understands. And I am so grateful.

Meet the New Neighbors

2005-06-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, we have some new pervy neighbors that just moved in at http://pussyworship.blogspot.com/. I just stopped by to bring them the proverbial kinky bundt cake and really enjoyed my visit. They're new to the whole D/s thing (like moi) - she's the Domme and he's her pet. I'm looking forward to getting to know them.

50 Things About Me

2005-06-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have anything juicy to share with you all, I thought I'd give you a little piece of me. But, let it be known, I have a date with my husband tonight and I'm expecting some fierce loving...

1. I love being a mother
2. I don't drink (I'm in recovery)
3. I read a lot
4. Several books at a time
5. I am a student of Buddhism and Kabbalah
6. I used to be an atheist
7. I'm a psuedo-vegetarian (I still eat fish)
8. I cry at sad and happy movies
9. I love my husband's cock
10. I love my husband's hands
11. I love it when he kisses the back of my neck
12. I love it when he puts his hand on the back of my neck
13. My pussy is shaved
14. And pierced
15. I love tall men
16. My husband is really tall
17. My favorite color is green
18. I live on a river
19. My daughter is smarter than I am
20. I make candles and scrapbooks
21. I love birds
22. I've never been abused or raped
23. I'm a feminist
24. That enjoys a D/s sexual relationship with my husband
25. I can't stand women who claim to be feminists, then say they prefer to hang out with men
26. I love crafts,
27. but I'm not very good at them
28. I enjoy a good cigar once in awhile with my husband
29. I got my nipples pierced on my birthday
30. I love the movie "Grease"
31. I despise the movie "Seven"
32. I miss Elvis
33. I love Al Gore
34. I swallow
35. I talk to myself
36. I spent 16 days in rehab
37. I have a genius IQ
38. But you'd never know it by talking to me
39. My hair is red, sometimes maroon
40. My son is smarter than I am
41. I've never had sex with a woman
42. I'm on prozac
43. I'm terrified of snakes
44. I like to watch pornos
45. I like to wear lingerie for my husband
44. I have a Shabby Chic duvet
45. I can't sing
46. I like to be spanked
47. I enjoy anal sex...most of the time
48. I love turtles
49. I love Oregon
50. I love sashimi

Country Living

2005-06-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

Still every day life getting in the way of grown up playtime. I can't complain though, the kids are happy and enjoying summer. I just can't believe how busy I've been this week. I've been swamped. I'm definitely not a fan of summer heat, but I do like the kids to be able to run around and play outside. I was planning on enrolling our older child in some day camps this year, but he's been keeping pretty busy on the property with his friend from down the street. I'd rather he jump in and out our ponds and run around our acreage than drive him all the way to town every day to play with a bunch of kids he doesn't know. The beauty in which we live is a wonderful playground and he's at the perfect age to run wild in it. Of course, actually allowing him the freedom to run freely without my supervision (read: overprotection) is a monumental act of self control on my part. I'm learning to give him some room to grow, though. It's funny, though. All the things I find so beautiful and refreshing he wants to tear apart, shoot, or crunch under foot!

Ha! My neighbor just drove by on his tractor and waved. Man, I love living out in the country. :-)

2005-06-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, I'm sorry that I don't have anything too exciting to share with you the last few days. Life has been fairly vanilla for the past several days with the children running wild in the sunshine and me trying to finish up some various domestic projects. Of course, that's not to say that our little life experiment isn't moving forward. On the contrary, it is.

D made a trip to the "toy" store on Friday and came home with a little surprise I haven't been introduced to yet. In fact, it's been hidden away (in plain sight) in our toy box which I'm not to look in. In the old days his directions to "stay out" would have been ignored. Not so now. That damn bag has been torturing me all weekend! One thing I know he did get was a new lovely jeweled barbell for my VCH piercing. It makes me tingly just thinking about him putting it in. I know, I'm weird.

Anyway, I hope to spend some time this week catching up on my favorite blogs (you know who you are) and inticing my darling, sexy husband into some raunchy, kinky sex. ;-)

Rule #4 Goes into Play

2005-06-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Rule #4:
I don't have to ask for sex. If I feel like I need to be satisfied, I am to suck Ds cock until it's hard and then jump on and ride him until I'm done. :-)

I, like most women, am plagued by self doubt. I feel liberated by my compliancy and am reveling in my new passion, but I fear that my newly energized libido and my eagerness to discuss it will unnerve my husband. At the very least, I'm afraid that he might grow tired of it. He is my love and my life and I only want to share my new lust with him. I hope that he continues to share in this adventure with me and that we continue to grow together as a couple. This new emotional and physical dependence on him has left me feeling loved and supported, but it also has a dark side. I need him to remember that the shift in power that has occurred in our relationship was purposeful.

Because of my insecurity, I have always had a hard time initiating our lovemaking. My new appetite now overshadows that part of my personality and last night I put rule #4 into action for the first time. Dear friends, I have but one question: why the hell did I wait so long?

After the children were in bed, D and I were playfully cuddling and kissing on the couch. It was apparent that while he enjoyed our kissing, he was beat and didn't really have the energy to play. Then, he reminded me about rule #4. I think it shocked him that I actually took him up on it. I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, then pulled them off. I promptly dropped to my knees, eagerly bent over his already hardening cock, and took it into my mouth. I absolutely love the feeling of D getting stiffer and stiffer in my mouth. It makes me feel powerful and loved...most of all it makes me wet.

Since I could feel that warm feeling spreading across my clit and over my pussy lips, I figured it was time to jump on D and do what needed to be done. He layed there for as long as he could with his hands firmly on my ass, letting me move up and down on him, but soon took control until I thought I was going to explode. But before I could cum, he gently knudged me down on the floor ("on your knees, little slut") and with his strong hands pulling at my nipple rings, he entered me from behind. When he reached his one hand up and around my neck, I believe I slipped into subspace and my lust exploded almost violently at the same moment that he thrust into me and released. For several minutes afterward, I had to stay on the floor with my head spinning and my legs shaking. Finally, after some tender kisses and caresses, I went to bed and drifted off into a dreamless, sweet oblivion.

gabby gets dressed up

2005-06-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to thank Rachel over at Web-Divas for my sassy new look. I've designed many a website over the years, but felt intimidated by designing a blog template. When I found Web-Divas I knew there was no way I could ever do anything so cool. So, thank you, Rachel and thank you to everyone for your compliments!

Rules of the Game

2005-06-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

My husband D and I are slowly finding our way in my sexual revolution. D has never had a problem with sex, other than not getting enough of it. He has always been a horny bastard. And he has always liked his sex a little dirty and aggressive, but would ultimately take what he could get. Every once in awhile I would get drunk and throw him a kinky bone. Drinking was my excuse to let go of my inhibitions and give in to his desires. I never considered that they were my desires, too. I'm sure he thought that once I quit drinking for good (which I did) that he would be doomed to a lifetime of vanilla sex dished out on a regular, but limited, basis.

Au contraire, my sexy man. Sobriety has brought a clarity like never before. Not only did it push me to reconnect with my spiritual beliefs, but it gave me the confidence to be honest with myself. By being honest with myself, I began to discover some really interesting things that eventually led me here to the exhibitionist world of blogging. What I started reading here helped me shed some of my preconceived notions about marriage, sex, and gender roles.

One of the new ideas that I discovered in my sexual re/evolution is rules. It seems that rules play an important part in D/s relationships, whether they're strict lifestyle agreements or fun, lighthearted guidelines for sex play. Everyone seems to have rules, but me. See, one of the silly things I do is compare my relationship to other couples (in other words, I'm really good at taking your inventory, but not so good at taking my own). In hindsight I realized that every relationship has rules - some verbalized, some tacit. So, it turns out I do have some rules. A couple, anyway.

Rule #1:
Ds the Boss.

Rule #2:
Always wear panties (thongs), because D has a panty thing. I am not allowed to wear granny panties ever again.

Rule #3:
Don't rule anything out until I try it at least once.

Rule #4:
I don't have to ask for sex. If I feel like I need to be satisfied, I am to suck Ds cock until it's hard and then jump on and ride him until I'm done. :-)

Not too bad, eh?

Temptation

2005-06-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I'm going to have to call bullshit on that one. It has been my personal experience that giving in to temptation only leads to, you guessed it, more temptation. In fact I'm so consummed with temptation (Merriam-Webster's says to tempt is to entice to do wrong by promise of pleasure or gain) lately that I can't seem to get anything else done. I'm tempted to give into my lustful desires and spend my time reading the salacious writing of others on the web, tempted to please myself with my own hand, and tempted to beg my darling D to spank some sense into me. Of late, my temptation knows no bounds.

Phone Sex Slut

2005-06-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

My life is ripe with firsts lately. Yesterday, I had my first phone sex experience. And today, my darling Dom heard that I was alone at work and raced over to ravage me in the middle of the building. I have to admit that both of these experiences felt a little funny at first, but I think that's only because I'd never done them before. And, even though I'm growing away from my old view of myself, I sometimes have difficulty believing that I am a sexual being...that D finds me attractive and sexy. It can be so difficult to reconile the nurturing mommy wife with the wanton little slut, but I'm learning. I'm learning that I can be both of those women. In fact, that by being both of those women, I am essentially making myself whole.

Unfortunately, I don't have the literary expertise of the wonderfully talented Freya, or the gift of conveying a story like some of my other online friends (J's introduction to ginger, Erica and Hardy's wit, or Kaylem and Gabriel's adventures) so it's difficult for me to convey the excitement and sheer naughtiness I felt by fucking myself while on the phone with my beloved.

D teased me all day at work with calls detailing what he was going to do me last night. Then he told me he was going to be a little late so I needed to go home and take care of myself. He was going to call me when it was time for me to masturbate. When he called there were other people in the car so he couldn't tell me what he wanted me to do, but he'd given me instructions earlier. I knew he wanted me naked except for my panties. D loves panties so I'm supposed to wear a thong at all times.

I told him what I was going to do. "I'm going to lick my vibrator and get it moist with my saliva so I can rub it on my clit and put it in my pussy. I'm going to suck on it, thinking about your hardening cock. Then I'm going to pull my panties to the side and rub the vibrating cock up and down my wet pussy and engorged clit."

By the time I was imagining his hard cock moving in and out of me and his big hands squeezing my nipples, I couldn't really speak anymore. I could only whisper and pant into the phone, telling him how badly I need to have my ass flogged and my pussy fucked by his long, hard cock. I was so wet that the vibrator slipped in and out easily.

I could hear his strong, deep voice quietly whispering to me to cum for him. With my heart racing and my pussy burning I did cum. I screamed his name and I came like thunder and lightening was ripping through my cunt. Afterwards, while my body was still somewhere else, he whispered that he loved me and told me I was his good girl.

And I am. I'm his good girl and his little slut.

Let's Talk About Sex...

2005-06-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

I've always had a problem talking about sex. Well, let me clarify that by saying I've always had a problem talking F2F about sex. It's pretty easy to talk about it anonymously in cyberspace. But I'm really trying hard to break down those walls that kept me an imprisoned ice queen (or cold fish, D would say) and not rule out anything that might strengthen my relationship and/or help promote an atmosphere for good humping. In fact, that's basically what I told D. I will not rule anything out without trying it first. Because, let's not forget, the key to life is great sex...great, kinky sex.

So after our wonderful, rough quickie this morning (that we didn't get to bring to completion) I've been receiving tortorous calls from D describing the delicious things he's going to do to my body tonight (nothing was brought up about the infamous vbp, but he did mention my vibrator, my ass, a flogger, and something about being bent over the couch). I have instructions to go home before the clan is there, get out my pink vibrator and take care of myself. I think I'll call him while I'm playing with my pussy, just to give him a taste of his own medicine. WEG! It's only fair, since I've been a wet, writhing mess all day long.

BTW, D thought I should request new names for the vibrating butt plug. His submission is the Love Nub.

Janesguide.com Says I'm Quality and Original

2005-06-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am so flattered and humbled that janesguide.com would take the time to read my little blog, let alone call it quality and original! Amazing. Thank you, Vamp, for your very kind words:

I love blogs that are authentic and intelligent accounts of sexuality, rather than the vapid bubblegum marketing of many mainstream porn sites with fake "journals". This is obviously one of the authentic ones, written by a woman that has spent a very long time feeling distanced from her sexuality. She shows you that an intelligent feminist mommy can be a smoldering volcano of submissive lust as well. She details her life with her husband, who she has been married to for around 9 years. They seem to love lingerie, toys, and spanking quite a bit. I think that this is a really great blog for anyone wanting to read about real submission. - Vamp

I guess I should probably start using spell checker now.

"Topping from Below"

2005-06-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

From Topping from Below, by Laura Reese:

I'm not sure how the pain figures into all this, but on some sexual level I like being dominated, being controlled by another person. I can't explain it. As a feminist, it goes against everything I believe. All my life I've worked hard to establish and maintain my credibility. I've fought against men who tried to relegate me to a lesser position simply because I was a woman. I proved at work that I could be as strong, emotionally and intellectually, as any man. Yet now I find that M.'s dominion over me, is undeniably pleasurable.

I wonder what is happening to me.

The Key to Life - Great Sex?

2005-06-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

I know I need to write about what a wonderful anniversary evening I had with my beloved D (we did have a great time), and I'm way overdue for a bawdy description of my divine flogger experience, but I wanted take a minute for a warm fuzzy. With all these silly thoughts that race around my head, I sometimes forget to still my mind long enough to appreciate the beauty and blessings around me. I have so many things to be grateful for today: the swollen river flowing just feet from my deck, the sounds of my children laughing and running on the rolling lawn, the love of my husband, and the rebirth of a passion within me that I thought had died a long time ago. If I'm quiet long enough (10,000 flaps of a hummingbird's wings), I am almost overwhelmed with emotion at the idea that I'm actually coming alive again and allowing myself to feel.

With that, I think you should know that I've had an epiphany (yes, dammit, an epiphany). I believe that great sex (not mediocre, or even really good sex) is the key to life. Now, I know all the men out there are saying "no, duh," but I just didn't believe you. I had to find out on my own. So now that I have this really wonderful sex with my husband, everything else seems to fall into place. My kids don't bug me as much, it stops raining outside, business is picking up, I love my husband again, I'm starting to like myself again, and I look forward to every beautiful day. I suspect my husband will give credit to the amazing waterproof vibrating butt plug (which he surprised me with in the shower the other morning) and the flogger, but I wouldn't go that far.

So, I'm going to spend a beautiful weekend with my adorable kids and try to find some playtime with the man that I love. I promise that I'll write about the flogger on Monday. Until, I love you all! :-)

Light at the end of the tunnel...

2005-06-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

It was quite a busy weekend in our home. In addition to our regular family activities, I finished "Story of O," which I found disturbing and disappointing (I'll post something on that later), I finally got a good flogging, and D and I had several stolen conversations that equaled one whole discussion on our renewed sex life. On Friday night, I believe that I had my first brush with subspace, and I'm hooked. I want more...I NEED more. But before I go there, I did want to briefly say something about my evolving beliefs.

I think I've mentioned a few times that I have difficulty reconciling my desires to be dominated with my every day personality. I spent a good deal of my youth studying feminist history and trying to live my life in a way that proved I was equal (or better) than men. Obviously, age and reality mellowed my zeal and I became more aware that I was less interested in equality than I was a level playing field. I am comfortable being uniquely female and don't want to be a man or live a man's life. I do, however, still consider myself a feminist, and I'm beginning to consider myself submissive (the parameters of which are still to be defined). My husband who is, was, and will always be a dominating male is also comfortable with the complicated roles that we're all expected to play in life. He broke with tradition and stayed home with our first child for several years because I made significantly more money (the image of my 6' 4" hubby sitting in a child's chair serving ice cream at class parties is one of my favorite memories). I have never been a follower; I recoil at the very idea of being told what to do. I am a very emotional, sensual person, but I am a control freak. And I think way too much.

So now you might be able to understand how my poor darling D might be just slightly confused by my new desire to relinquish all control, have my girlie parts pierced and jump his bones on a fairly regular basis. Granted, he's very enthusiastic about the recent changes, but confused, nonetheless. Truth be told, I think I've always liked the feelings associated with submitting sexually to D. I think one of the reasons I was so attracted to him physically was that the sheer size of him made me feel safe, comforted...submissive. I think that, perhaps, this whole shift towards D/s, might actually just be the natural evolution of our relationship, instead of some big, sudden change. Like most of us on this journey, I'm not sure how all of this will play out, but I am really starting to have fun.

I'm very thankful that on this day, my 9th wedding anniversary, that I belong to D. Next up, my first adventure with the flogger....

Tagged Again!

2005-06-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged again, from both erica and Peg. Actually, I know most people don't like these things, but I'm flattered when they ask me. Unfortunately, I'm not very interesting, but here are my answers anyway.

Have you ever snuck out of the house - yes,
gotten lost in your city - yes, a lot
seen a shooting star - yes
been to any other countries besides Canada - yes
had a serious surgery - yes
gone out in public in your pajamas - yes
kissed a stranger - no
hugged a stranger - yes
been in a fist fight - yes
been arrested - no
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose - yes
pushed all the buttons on an elevator - yes
swore at your parents - yes
been in love - yes
been close to love - yes
been to a casino - yes
been skydiving - nope
skinny dipped - yes
skipped school - yes
seen a therapist - yes
done the splits - yes
played spin the bottle - yes
gotten stitches - yes
drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour - no, I don't do well with milk
bitten someone - just my husband and he likes it.
been to Niagara Falls - yes
gotten the chicken pox - yes
kissed a member of the opposite sex - yes
crashed into a friend's car - no
been to Japan - no
ridden in a taxi - yes
been dumped - yes
shoplifted - no
been fired - no
had a crush on someone of the same sex - yes
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - yes
gone on a blind date - no
lied to a friend - yes
had a crush on a teacher - yes
celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans - no
been to Europe - no
slept with a co-worker - yes
been married - yes
gotten divorced - no
had children - yes
seen someone die - no
had a close friend die - yes
been to Africa - no
driven over 400 miles in one day - yes
been to US - duh
been to Mexico - yes
been to India - no
been on a plane - yes
seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show - of course
thrown up in a bar - no...I don't think so
purposely set a part of myself on fire - no
eaten sushi - yes...I love Japanese food!
been skiing/snowboarding - yes, yes
met someone in person from the internet - yes
lost a child - no
gone to college/university - yes
graduated college/university - yes
fired a gun - yes
purposely hurt yourself - yes
taken painkillers - yes
been intimate with someone of the same gender - no

And I tag: O, Lady C, and Kasey.

Toys and Lingerie

2005-05-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

My husband loves them. Toys, toys, toys....panties, panties, panties (thongs and g-strings are a must). Although we're new to the whole Dominance/submissive mindset, we have amassed a pretty good collection of lingerie (for moi) and toys, which have been brought out and used throughout our fairly vanilla sex life. Now, the red bag of goodies (our version of the toy box) comes out on every occasion, not just "special" times. So since I have renewed interest in our Stuff, I thought I might write about some of the toys we have once in awhile.

D's most recent purchases are the ever popular vibrating butt plug (don't forget the added waterproof feature) and a big, ole jelly vibrator. I have a love-hate relationship with the butt plug (can we please come up with another name for this torture device?). Well, basically, I have a love-hate relationship with anal sex. Period. Really, if you get me worked up enough, I love it. I cum the hardest when D is fucking me in the ass and gives me my little pink friend, or is caressing my clit himself. I hate it that I enjoy this (does it feel good? do I like feeling so dirty? do I enjoy that it feels so good to him? who knows....). And I hate admitting it even more. And he knows it. Anyway, that's a whole different post in itself. In a nutshell, the vbp (I just can't write vibrating butt plug again) is horrible and glorious, all at the same time. It's a very intense experience that requires a lot of relaxation and trust (for me, anyway). That's that.

A staple in our bag of goodies is Kama Sutra's Honey Dust. I love this stuff! Honey Dust is a high quality product that puts most of those fruity creams and gels to shame. It feels and tastes great, and it's made with cornstarch so it doesn't get sticky or gooey. D loves to lightly rub this all over my body and then lick it off. Honey Dust is a must have for those really sensual playtimes.

That's all I have time for today, but I think I'll talk about my favorite lube and lingerie the next time.

The Whip is a Flogger!?!

2005-05-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

Uh oh. It turns out that I was wrong about my much discussed and anticipated whip. I guess the whip is a really a flogger, or a flogging whip. Oh dear.

Flip Flop - A Satisfied Man

2005-05-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

For the last few years, D and I have had a "get it while you can" kind of sex life. If the planets were aligned and the kids were asleep and if I felt like giving in to his overactive libido, or if I felt guilty for not being amorous enough, we would have sex. Obviously, this has changed. Maybe it's our lifestyle changes, maybe it's because I quit drinking, maybe it's because I'm not overwhelmed by my life anymore, maybe it's because he does the dishes every night. Whatever it is, it's working. I fantasize about being fucked by my sexy man all the time. I try to outlast the kids at night so that D and I can have some playtime of our own. I enjoy starting his day off with a bj...he's so much happier and nicer to be around. I love being around him and being touched by him. I just want to gobble him up...hmmm, have him gobble me up! :-)

That being said, I have fallen asleep with our toddler the last two nights and D has not woken me up for our alone time. Two nights in a row! In the past, this would lead to guilt on my part and resentment on his. Now it leads to disappointment on my part and acceptance on his. Whoa. Basically, he said it was because he knows he can take me whenever he feels like it and that we have so much more playtime now. This change in attitude also makes our interaction in every day life much more playful and fun.

So, I guess the real question is: when am I going to get introduced to that damn whip?

Bettie in Bondage: to be that cool...

2005-05-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

bondage19
Originally uploaded by gabbyhey.

If only I could look as cool and gorgeous as Bettie Page while being spanked! In my imagination, this is how sexy I look to my D (while spanking me or sliding that damn vibrating plug up my ass). Of course, he doesn't have any patience for old style garters and panties -- he's definitely a thong and babydoll kind of man (topped off with fishnet all-in-one garters), but I can dream, can't I? ;-)

The L Word

2005-05-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

Strange, I've never really had girl-on-girl fantasies, but I'm really fascinated with and drawn to the show The L Word. Obviously, the show deals more with relationships than anything else, but there is a healthy sprinkling of sexual discussion and activity. Does anyone else watch this show?

When the Whip Comes Down...

2005-05-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

I've spent a lifetime trying to bury my true sexual self and trying to be someone that I think I'm supposed to be. The serenity and freedom associated with allowing myself to be who I really am (mother, lover, slut, submissive, strong, spiritual, intelligent, compliant, loving, affectionate, dominated) is almost overwhelming. I have so many questions and so many things to learn, but I'm trying to be patient. Surrending to the process, instead of trying to control and accelerate it, has made the whole journey so much more enjoyable. And things are progessing just as they should.

Just when I start to feel frustrated with my newfound sexual freedom (read: horniness) and think that my Darling D might not really understand what I need from him in terms of domination or discipline, he proves me wrong. He's been very eager to adopt new rituals and toys (remind me to tell you about the vibrating, waterproof butt plug) and has even playfully applied a little strength to his demands and directions. He's obviously testing the waters for my limits and preferences. And I'm trying to give feedback appropriately and trying to keep the lines of communication open (I have a really hard time talking about sex, but I'm getting better at it). And tonight I've been promised...uh, I mean threatened, that the whip finally makes its debut tonight.

The mere thought of it makes me nervous and frightened and excited all at the same time. He's used it in the past very lightly and playfully, but I think he means business tonight. :-)

Haiku Venue

2005-05-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'd seen her mentioned on other blogs and then Pegva of www.haikuvenue.com commented on my blog so I went and checked out hers. First, I have to say that I love the description in her "About Me" that says:

How boring it would be if we were all the same... stop trying to "fit in" won't you?

How true, Peg. Also, I love her blog. Period. She's very cool and very clever. And very inspiring. I don't think I've written a haiku (an haiku?) since high school, but I'll give it a try (be kind):

today, I am free
Life...my sex, my love, my self
like never before

Book Tag! I'm it.

2005-05-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Both *J* and Hardy tagged me for the book thing, so here 'tis:

1. Total number of books I've owned:
I love books. I love to read books, I love to touch books, and I love to buy books. I love all kinds of books: political, spiritual, educational, poetic, erotic, you name it. I have no idea how many I actually own...probably 1000s.

2. I can never buy just one book. I used to buy a lot of books online, but I discovered that part of the adventure of reading is the actual trip to the bookstore and the "discovery" of the book. My last trip to the bookstore (last Tuesday), I bought:

The Celestine Prophecy
Story of O
The Zen of CSS Design
72 Names of God
100 Years of Solitude
You Can Do It: The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown Up Girls

3. The Last Book I read:
I usually read several at the same time, but the last two I actually finished cover to cover were The Loving Dominant and God Wears Lipstick.

4. 5 books that mean something to me.
Only 5!??? Almost impossible for me. This one is very, very difficult for me to answer. I have a tendency to want to list things I've read recently, but I'm forced to really think back to books that made an impact on me.

Earth in the Balance, by Albert Gore
The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou
The Power of Kabbalah, by Yehuda Bert
A Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood

5. Tag 5 people and request they fill this out on their journals
It's hard to figure out who's been tagged already and I don't know many people online yet. So, for what it's worth, here's my list...("Tag, you're it!")

Girl Interrupted.

2005-05-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Argh. I'm pretty sure that I have yet to post even one strictly sexy description of a session with the Domly D. Privacy is non-existent for us right now. Our time together seems limited to stolen moments hiding in the bathroom or planned nights after the children are asleep. Let me tell you, our living arrangement couldn't be less conducive to exploring D/s than, say, living in a commune. While we're looking for property to build a house on, our little family is staying in my parent's guest house. Not only do we have the kids running around in a small space, but we have the ever helpful parents checking in periodically. There great divide between real life and fantasy is growing wider.

So last night, after much planning and anticipation, hubby and I were going to spend a little alone time together. I had been threatened all day with all the sexual perversions my D was going to perform on me and vice versa...there were several mentions of being ben over and fucked in every hole, etc, etc. He even made it to the sex shop and picked a new little "friend" for me.

After family responsibilites finally wound down, I took a shower and shaved my legs and pussy (D absolutely loves it when it's nice and smooth -- easy access, I suppose), put on some sexy lingerie (at least he likes it) and began to act accordingly. Just when things were really starting to get hot, we hear a cry from the bedroom "I want Mommy." Instant buzz kill. So after trying to get the little one back to sleep (she fought it for almost 90 minutes), we were finally able to pick up where we left off, but the mood was different. It felt great, but the naughtiness was gone. I didn't get introduced to my new friend yet, either...so maybe tonight.

As a side note, something occured to me last night about bondage. While the thought of my incredibly sexy man putting a collar and cuffs on me makes me wet just thinking about it, I doubt very much that our love will progress that way. I realized last night how much I love to touch D. I have a hard time keeping my hands off his body and couldn't imagine not being able to caress his cock while we roll around. And his reactions to my touch are very powerful...I know he loves to feel my hands on him. Anyway, it was just a thought.

Is that your cock in my mouth or are you just happy to see me?

2005-05-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

Oooohhhh....the big, bad D just called to let me know he was going to pick up a little something from the local sex shop on his way home. Wonder what it will be? He's threatening a bigger butt plug, but I hope he's kidding. He's been acting pretty domly the last few days with some unexpected, hard swats on my ass and some very dirty comments whispered into my ear.

Yesterday, something interesting happened when I was giving D a bj in the bathroom. He pulled his cock out of my mouth and started rubbing it all over my face and slapping me with it. At first, I felt the overwhelming desire to laugh (thankfully, I didn't), but then it started to turn me on. I'm not sure if the actual act was what I found erotic, or the fact that he did something different. Without pushing or directing him, I've tried to show him my compliance and my eagerness for his control and sexual exploration (please, honey, when are going to bring that damn whip back out -- do I need to beg?). Anyway, he smacked me around with his cock and rubbed it all over my face while he held the back of my head firmly. Then he shoved it in my mouth again and told me to expect more when we were alone tonight.

I'm getting wet just sitting here thinking about it. Great, just in time for my meeting.

Pieces of Me...or the Story of G, Part 1

2005-05-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Why is it that as soon as I get my sex drive back we can't seem to find the time to actually do anything about it? I'm feeling very deprived and slightly irritable today. The downpour out my window doesn't help, either.

Anyway, for lack of anything exciting to write and a lack of desire to focus on my growing work pile, I started thinking (ah, there she goes again) about - what else - passion and this strange little journey I'm on. Truth be told, my current state of mind actually permeates my entire life, and isn't just confined to my sexual self. The last couple of years brought to a head the very superficial and contrived life I'd been living. After years of trying to keep up with the Jones' and running at a frantic pace full of buy, buy, buy and work, work, work, I came close to losing it all: my mind, my soul, my home, my health, and my family. I began to drown my sorrows with mass amounts of alcohol and ended up in a treatment center. My time in rehab gave me the opportunity to slow down and be honest with myself about who I was and who I want to be. This renewed relationship with my husband and my sexual exploration is a direct result of that. But it also has affected every part of my life - spiritual, intellectual, physical. It's really helping me become a better mother, wife, worker, person. So here I am now...the new, improved healing me. I'll bet it surprised the hell out of D when I stopped drinking and then starting doing strange things like getting piercings and actually enjoying sex! Ah, life is good again.

This what I'm listening to now:

Stand Up, Dave Mathews Band
American Idiot, Green Day
S&M, Metallica
Rocket to Russian, The Ramones
O Brother Where Art Thou, Soundtrack
Cirque du Soleil: Alegria

This is what I'm reading (yes, all at the same time - call me manic...):

The Story of O, by Pauline Reage
Becoming Like God, by Michael Berg
Celestine Prophecy, by James Redfield
The Loving Dominant
God Wears Lipstick, by Karen Berg

Love and ((((hugs))))...G

Relax and Enjoy the Ride

2005-05-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

I think I need a 12 step program...maybe it can be called SA - Subs Anonymous. You take the steps to go from vanilla to submissive. I'm not getting much from the books I'm reading. To be honest, I get more information and guidance from personal blogs than from anything else. I was a little disappointed in the The Loving Dominant, as it seems more geared towards people interested in multiple partners or joining "the scene" and not long-term relationships or married couples. I guess BDSM for married folk is what you'd call a niche market.

One thing I am sure of, though, is that if I'm not careful I will end up topping from the bottom and turn this whole journey into a fiasco. I think it's all about balance. I've been very shy and uncomfortable over the years with sharing what I found enjoyable and stimulating, so now I'm trying to feed him bits of info and show him what I like by reacting appropriately. For instance, I mentioned to him this weekend that when he tied me up years ago (something like 14 years ago) I had really liked it. And I left it at that. I think I'm giving D the information he needs and wants, but I'm not going to push him in any direction anymore. He knows what I want and he's great at providing what I need. And even though, he hasn't read much of the literature, I've noticed more and more that his natural dominance is resurfacing as I give him my power and step back.

It's kind of funny, though, how our sex life is now taking on a life of it's own. It's because of our family life (children, dinner times, homework, work, etc), not an inclination towards D/s, that we have developed rituals and patterns of behaviour (even when trying to be spontaneous). D gets out the red bag of goodies and lays out his preferred toys and tools for the night on his side of the bed. After a fairly energetic and naughty session Saturday night, he held me and kissed me and told me how proud of me he is. It was the perfect balance of excitement and tenderness. Ah, bliss.

So, from now on, I'm going to relax and enjoy the ride...

Loving my Dom

2005-05-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling very clever or interesting today.

Last night didn't turn out exactly like I had planned. I ended up having to go to a meeting late and since we live so far from civilization I didn't get home until after 10pm (I almost hit a cougar on the way home - my first cougar since moving to the Pacific NW last year). The baby girl was still up and rolling around on the floor while D cleaned the kitchen (did I mention how much I adore him?). By the time she was in bed, my darling husband didn't have the energy to do anything. He's been working so late this week. So I'm going to surprise him tonight. I'm sending the kids to my parents and will surprise D wearing lingerie (his favorite, of course).

I started reading "The Loving Dominant," which I bought for D. There's some good info in there, I just don't know how receptive he'll be to reading about BDSM in a book. He's more of a "get to the point" and "trail and error" kind of man. There is a small helpful section for subs to give their doms that I think he'll be interested in.

Progressing Nicely...

2005-05-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

Since asking D to read my blog, we haven't had too much time alone because he's been working late and general family stuff gets in the way. We did have a rather rough and lovely quickie this morning in the bathroom after our son went off to school and our daughter was still asleep. It's strange how much I used to hate our quick little meetings in the morning...and now I relish them and look forward to them. When I was sitting on my vanity bench and he walked up to me, bent down and firmly pulled my mouth to his (his hand on the back of my neck is an instant turn on), my skin tingled. I was more than eager to take him into my mouth and get him hard. I used to resist and gag when he pushed too hard, but now I just relax and let it happen. The result is a much more satisfying experience for both of us (maybe I should get my tongue pierced next - HA!).

And when he bent me over the counter and entered me, my pussy was wet with excitement (not like in the past when he'd have to use lubricant to moisten me in the morning) and ready for him. Man oh man, does he love my new nipple rings! I know it's killing him to have to be so gentle still...I know he just wants to yank on them...ecstasy for me. No more vanilla morning quickies for this old married couple. When he asked me to lift my leg and show him my pussy, I was very compliant and eager to please, and he was obviously turned on by my piercing there (which also feels delightful to me). So entered me again and then finished himself off while I kissed and carrassed him.

Have I mentioned that I love him more and more every day and that he's about the sexiest man I've ever met?

At the bookstore today I ran across one copy of "The Loving Dominant." When D comes home tonight (late), I'm going to give it to him along with the best blow job ever (or whatever else he needs from me).

~erica

2005-05-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

I'm so thrilled to see that ~erica started a blog! Thanks for sharing, ~erica...and especially, thank you for the link to the pretty red cuffs and collar. Very, very sexy.

The Gorey Piercing Details

2005-05-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, for all of us detail whores (as J said), here is the gorey blow-by-blow of my first non-ear piercing experience. Like I said before, I'm not sure really why or how I decided to go and get stabbed in my girlie parts on my 36th birthday, but when the thought struck it stuck. All day I couldn't shake it. And being the loving, giving man he is, D called the local reputable piercing woman and made me an appointment for that very evening. Now, keep in mind I was pretty crazy when I was in my early 20s, but I live a fairly vanilla experience nowadays (expect for that stint in rehab and the tiny, tiny spider tattoo on my shoulder from when I was 18). I even used to have a pretty exciting ("smack my ass, daddy!") sex life way back before the kids, but piercing is way out of my box. Although, D has ben begging for it for years...for me, it was out of the question. Up until recently, I had closed my mind and body off to a lot of things.

So, anyway, when we finally made it to my appointment I think I had worked myself into a little tizzy and it really didn't help that she was running behind about 45 minutes...more time to think too much. What the hell was I doing? I really have lost my mind, haven't I? Tie me up, stick a needle through my boobs, and force me to give you a BJ in the car? Was this really the appropriate behaviour of a 36 year old mother? That's me: think, talk, think, talk, think, talk, talk, talk, think, think, think. Argh, it never ends. I need to work on my true sub qualities!

By the time I made it into the room, my face was bright red, my heart was racing, and my whole body was clammy. I hadn't mentioned that I wanted my clit done so she was surprised and started asking me all kinds of questions about my "hood" and clit...does it stick out, is it exposed, does it grow in size a lot when I'm turned on? Huh? I dunno. Frankly, I don't know much about my body...how sad. When my son was born and they wanted to motivate me to push they brought in a mirror. I freaked out and made them take it away. I think this whole journey has a lot to do with making peace with my body and accepting my feelings and who I really am. Anyway, I digress. What the tech was trying to figure out is if she needed to pierce me laterally with a barbell or double-horizontally with a ring. Personally, I like the ring, but I ended up with the barbell because of the way I'm arranged. Now, I'm glad.

She started with my nipples. She couldn't use the smaller rings because I have big nipples. I picked out these cute little pink crystals for the ends. Then I took my top and bra off and sat there, almost trembling while she used a pen to mark on either side of my nipples. Then she took out these nasty (maybe in a good way) clamps and attached them. D stood behind me with his arms around my shoulders (I haven't yet talked about Ds wonderful, encompassing arms, but I will later). I practiced some breathing and then she stuck me with this monsterous hollow needle. Fucking ouch. Goddam it, mother fucker, that hurt. Then to add insult to injury, she pulled that enormous stick pin out of me and put the ring and jewel in. I have to admit, it looked kind of cool. When I look at my boobs I see pounds lost and gained and babies nursed, but D absolutely loves my boobs so this was a big time turn on for him. She did the other one pretty much the same way, except she stuck me on the other side...more ouch. I could not believe that I did it...my tits were pierced!!!! I was ready to go. But I knew I had to go through with the rest. This was one thing I was really doing for my Darling D. I knew I should want it for me, but I really, really wanted to do it for him and if I didn't go through it then, I would never do it.

Off came my pants and thong (I'm so glad I decided to wear a matching bra and panties - that never happens!). By the time I sat on that table naked I was shaking, but, thankfully, my endorphins were starting to kick in. It was almost a glorious agony, if that makes sense...plus, I took a lot of pleasure in the fact that D was thrilled and proud. Breath, breath, breath, STICK! Youch! Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!! All I could think was: "you better love me, asshole, because this hurts like a bastard!" Then she realized that she had put a too short bar in, but I was too traumatized to change it so I went back the next day (it was not uncomfortable at all to have the jewelry changed, btw). D and the piercer struggled to get the ball on one end for some reason, but then it was over. Then it was Darling D's turn to get his nipple pierced. Apparently, it's much more painful for a man because it all muscle there, not like women who have so much more fatty tissue. I thought he was going to pass out, but it is sexy as hell. I get warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. :)

Now we have a bunch of rules I have to follow for after care for a few weeks to prevent infection and promote proper healing. Last night was the first time we've had sex (not counting BJs for D) since the piercings. He wanted to tug on those puppies so bad, but he has to wait (although that didn't stop him from a little roughness)...and let me just say one thing about the barbell below: heavenly.

Added: Here is a picture of the kind of piercing I got (it's not me, I'm shaved, anyway):
go down to VCH (Vertical Clit Hood).

And Now it Begins (or The Making of a Dom)

2005-05-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

After my post yesterday, I nervously sat my Darling D down in front of the computer and had him read my blog. I'm sure it was a little distracting reading about the uncontrollable lust of his wife on the Internet while his 7 yr old son bounced around the room begging to play online games. But, that, in a nutshell, is our life. Let's just say that my husband was glued to the screen. We didn't get to discuss it because our son was there and I still had some work to get done so they left (after D whispers in my ear that I'm a "little slut" and playfully smacks me on the ass). By the time I got home I was feeling pretty anxious...and pretty excited.

As I was getting dinner ready and he was cleaning up the kitchen, D made several very Dom-like comments and fairly aggressive gestures towards me (please keep in mind that I have 3 very new, very fresh piercings that are still pretty tender). Needless to say, I spent most of dinner wet with anticipation and wishing we were alone. After our toddler's nth tantrum of the day, I finally got her to bed. Unfortunately, I fell asleep with her and almost missed my first sexual relations with D in almost a week. I'm so, so glad he decided to wake me up.

We both were pretty tired last night, but found enough energy to have some lovingly, rough sex that left me pleasantly exhausted and full. Like I said, my new "jewelry" is still tender, but it's obvious that my nether-piercing is going to drastically improve my orgasims. Very nice.

I really have to say "thanks" to Julia and Erica for their comments to my post yesterday. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to read my babbling and actually respond with thoughtfulness. Your input is really, really helpful.

Desire and Confusion

2005-05-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

Can someone please tell me what the hell my problem is and why I have to try and be so different? And while you're at it, why does this whole thing have to be so mired in my own self-imposed drama? Why must I over-intellectualize EVERYTHING? I think I'm just going to change my middle name to Confusion. Geez, it's not like I'm trying to figure out the meaning of life...just how to have a better, more fullfilling relationship with the man that I adore. It really shouldn't be so tough and I really shouldn't be so intimidated by telling him how I feel and what I want. After a lifetime of being bold and walking around calling my self the "f" word (feminist, duh!) now I suddenly spring on my husband that I'm tired of it and that I want him to take control...in the bedroom, at least....for now, at least. Is there such thing as a submissive feminist? I choose to be submissive, therefore...blah, blah, blah. Ha!

And, frankly, I still don't know what the hell I really want. And, if I don't really talk to D about the feeling I'm having then I'll never know what he really wants. He knows I'm going through some changes right now. He knows that I'm extremely horny lately and that I'm very eager to please him and give him pleasure. I'm not so sure he really understands the depth of my desires. Damn, it would be so much easier if he could just read my mind! ;-) Maybe not.

I definitely don't see us moving into a 24/7 deal (although Kaylem and Gabriel make it sound very erotic and appealing), but I do have to wonder ('cause that's what I do) what kind of impact this sort of relationship would have on our children. Anyway, that's a whole different topic for another time.

Tonight will be the first time in days we'll be able to spend a little private time together. I'm not sure what will happen as far as discussing "all this," but I sure hope we make some progress. I feel stalled right now and I'm eager to start moving forward.

Soccer Mom Gets Pierced!

2005-05-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, well, I'm not exactly soccer mom, but I come pretty close to it. Anyway, I did something VERY out of character on Friday. My Darling D has been asking me for almost 10 years to get my nipples pierced and, playfully, adding that he'd love it if I'd do my clit, too. Until recently, the mere thought of it made me cringe and it's not really something I'd even consider...I'm mean, really, who wants to see that after giving birth to and nursing 2 kids!? Well, apparently, D does. His love for me and my body is so reassuring (we've been through our ups and downs, but I don't think I could possibly love my husband any more than I do right now).

So, Friday was my 36th birthday and since I don't drink anymore, I was trying to figure out a fun way to celebrate since we had a babysitter. And, honestly, I don't even remember when or why I thought of it, but I decided to get my nipples pierced. When we got down to the place, I had talked myself into also getting my pussy done. The look on D's face was priceless. Friggin' classic. Thankfully, the technician was a woman with tons of experience...she was really amused that we were married and for so long. I doubt they get many people like us in there (read: old) and she thought it was pretty cool. Anyway, so I did it. I can't believe I did it, but I did. So today I'm nursing sore nipples and a sore pussy, trying to keep the kids from jumping and pulling on me (not so easy with a 2 yr old!). I'm glad I did it, but I really need to have some sexual contact with my husband soon or I'll go crazy. We've had houseguests so getting time alone has been difficult over the weekend. They're gone now and I'm hoping for a good spanking tonight...

I need my big strong Dom -- NOW!

2005-05-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I printed out a post by Dan titled "Got Dem New Dom Blues" and put it somewhere for D to find. Then I changed my mind and forgot to hide it (hmmmmm, Freudian slip, perhaps?) so he picked it up and started reading it. I freaked out and tried to take it from him and told him I wasn't ready for him to see it yet, that I'm crazy and that I don't know what the hell I want. He was very sweet and I let (sure) him read it anyway while I flitted around the house doing chores before the kids came home from grandma and grandpa's house. We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet and I fell asleep with our little girl pretty early, so I still don't know what he thinks. We have houseguests tonight so I'm not sure how much alone time we'll have tonight. Then we're going away with friends for the weekend. The good news is that we'll have a room alone, without children for 2 whole nights...just like grown ups! I hope he brings the red bag of "goodies."

So that's kind of where I am right now. I'm suddenly over-sexed and obsessed with wanting my beloved to throw me over his knee and show me who's boss. I've been married to this man for almost 9 years (together 15) and now I'm so incredibly attracted to his overwhelming maleness and physical strength. At the same time, I'm incredibly conflicted about my new feelings and desires. I've always been a very assertive, commanding woman - I've done well (and poorly) in the business world and worked very hard to be considered an equal at work. Where did all of these feelings come from? Yes, I've always fantasized about being dominated...yes, I've always secretly thrilled at my husband's hand on my neck or when he smacked my ass. But I always hid my excitement behind the excuse of alcohol. Now that I don't drink at all anymore, my feelings are even more intense and I'm forced to be honest with myself and with him.

And, now I'm worried that he won't understand my needs. Although, I have a feeling that he will. I think I know him well enough, but we'll see. Oh my, what's a girl to do?

Freddy and Eddy's - where couples can come...

2005-05-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

Why don't we have a store like this up in the lovely Pacific Northwest? Maybe I should open one....

Freddy and Eddy's Store - Where Couples can Come!

Surrender

2005-05-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

Surrender

Merriam-Webster Online: "1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)"

Taken In Hand: The submissive alpha female

2005-05-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing exciting to report in my sexual evolution...unless you count suprising D with a morning BJ to start his day off with a smile. I used to never swallow, so I think he really likes it now that I do. It also used to really bug me when he'd grab my hair or force me down harder, but now I love the stuggle. It gives me so much pleasure to feel him cum in my mouth and know that it makes him feel good. I feel almost overwhelmed with how strongly I love him now...after all these years, I'm suddenly madly in love with my husband.

I'm obviously still trying to work all these new feelings out in my head. Why do I want to please him so badly and be dominated by him when I'm normally such an assertive, strong woman? How will this new dynamic play out in our daily lives? I'm not sure I like the whole "give it over to the man" concept of Taken in Hand or the severe rules and discipline or BDSM...where do we fit in?

Taken In Hand: The submissive alpha female: "The submissive alpha female

The submissive alpha female is a woman who is strong, confident, bold, and assertive in her life and her dealings with people in general – but who wants a dominant man in her life because she finds it sexually exciting to be dominated by a strong, powerful man. She might or might not be in a position of authority at work; but she has a personality and a level of competence such that she could be in such a position and command respect."

Bad Girls Get Spanked!

2005-05-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

Another day, another adventure. Of course, my little adventures are nothing like the amazing things I've been reading in other blogs. In fact, I can't imagine anyone being that interested in my boring little sex life. It is, however, starting to get pretty interesting for me. For someone that thought she'd never be interested in sex, it's suddenly the one think I think about all the time. D asked me last night where I've been all his life. I guess I've been hiding behind my insecurities and inhibitions. How thrilling and amazing it is to be so honest and open for once in my life.

Last night, I came out of the closet, so to speak, and told D about some of the nasty thoughts swirling around in my head. I'm not sure he quite understands what is happening to me (I don't even understand it). I couldn't come out and actually tell him about everything I've been reading...it is a little overwhelming. I know it excites him and he loves the new compliant me. What man doesn't love his cocked sucked while driving home on a dark country road? I could feel him getting even harder (was that possible?) when he shoved my head down even further when a car drove by. I know he could feel my shiver of excitement...especially when he started playfully spanking my ass. And when we got home and he took his pleasure from every hole he wanted to, I know he felt deep satisfaction. For so long I resisted letting him fuck me in the ass unless I was drunk. Now, I want to feel him anywhere and everywhere he wants me. But, I'm not quite sure he really understands how much I love him and how badly I want to please him...how badly I need to have him hold my arms above my head and fuck me. I'm getting wet just thinking about it.

Like I said, I'm not quite sure what I want out of this whole exploration of the dark side...I just know it's opened something very sensual and wild inside of me. I know that I could never go all the way like some of the blogs I read...but I'm not sure yet what I am capable of.

Last night D told me I should write thank you notes to the women whose blogs I read that started me on this path. So I think I will.

Stay tuned...

Thank you....

2005-05-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to thank kaylem for her blog, kept. I accidentally stumbled on it a week or so ago and was riveted by her writings and description of her and her relationship with her Master. I was particularly excited by her Tasty post. I'm not sure if I'm ready to really talk about my personal sexual explorations yet, but I will say that I was quite wet with anticipation when my beloved husband, D, produced a butt plug for my pleasure last night. Let me just say that I love lube.

Help Wanted - Going SEX Crazy!

2005-05-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going crazy.

Ok, here goes. I'm not sure why I feel the need to write about my sexual confusion and self discovery, let alone post it on the very public Internet. But for some reason I'm compelled to. I recently quit drinking and started on this spiritual and self awarenss journey. I had no idea that it would awaken my sexual desire for my husband and renew my relationship with him. Yes, I knew that family life would get better - my children and husband could only benefit from a happier, healthier mother - I just had no idea it would re-ignite my lust and passion for my man.

What is happening to me? Suddenly, I found myself reading blog upon blog about D/s, BDSM, Taken in Hand, and other alternative sexual pursuits. I am fascinated by the woman's perspective and experiences in these kind of consensual, loving marriages. I find myself drawn to these women and their stories. I find myself walking around with this warm, excited feeling between my legs. I know my husband is thrilled by my awakening and eagerness for him, but I'm sure he must be slightly confused. I keep telling him that I want him so much more because I'm so much happier with him in general and how supportive he's been of me.

I'm still trying to figure out what all this means to us. I'm not sure what I really want and what I can handle. In recovery you get sponsors to help you work through your journey, is there such thing as a sexual sponsor who can help me learn how to navigate this territory? I know that I will need to discuss this with my husband, but until then, I wish there was someone who could help me through this. I mean, how can this be happening now after 15 yrs together and 2 children?

It's so strange how I could be so closed down for so long and now suddenly SO awake! I saw another woman's blog recently (tieme-n-spankme) listing reasons for a lacking libido and I saw myself mirrored in several of them. I guess my problem really came down to being overwhelmed and exhausted, but a lot of that has changed. My husband is so much more helpful and affectionate and my life has become simplified by getting rid of alcohol. For the first time in my life, I can really give myself to my husband without reservations and without being clouded by some substance. It's so exhilarating.